This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.