ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
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4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Beware…..
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”