New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
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4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.