Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now