My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”