Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
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8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]