me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
You Might Also Like
Whoa 😂
Me redecorating every room in my mind
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Lmfaoooooo
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Ron is short for Aaronald
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
twitter is a journey
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween