me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*