Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.