Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
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I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?