ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?