ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*