Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk