Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
You Might Also Like
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.