Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.