Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
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me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on