Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
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ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I cannot call her anything else now
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.