Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.