Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
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FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight