ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
just left a huge legacy in there
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?