Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
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How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
oppen heimer style lol
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My sex drive has a dui
rapatouille
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.