alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant