fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Somebody’s lying.