Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Google Pay be like:
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.