me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood