Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.