Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Meeeee too!
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.