Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*