Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
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No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
screw you
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one