[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.