me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Snapes on a plane.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
True
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.