ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.