ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…