Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
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Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.