Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.