ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
You Might Also Like
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.