Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
“What?”
– Jude
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT