Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
The glory of fall.