Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
You Might Also Like
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
This chloroform smells expensiv…
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
A double negative is a big no-no.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.