Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide