Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career