Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“Huge”.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love