Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.