Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
You Might Also Like
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
never compromise your values
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing