Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?