A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Social Media and Real life
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*