At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
You Might Also Like
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this