Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
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Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
craving $300 all of a sudden
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Tremendous stuff
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
This squirrel eats better than I do
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid