Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.