Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t