me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
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There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
i love modern commerce
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
me linking you to my twitter
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.