Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
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pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?